I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
