is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
