we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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