1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm so fucking centered right now
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
