my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
