Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
