Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
