I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
