Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
BRING THE BAGELS
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
