She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
