Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
