she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
