She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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