TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
