shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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