I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
