The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
