I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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