Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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