dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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