So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
