I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
