Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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