I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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