So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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