i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
