You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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