no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
