i just wanna soil my oats bro
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
