the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
