you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
