You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
