I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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