How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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