Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
