i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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