Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
