Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
