No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
