life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
