we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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