This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I will be naked everywhere
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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