Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
its not stalking. its research.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
