Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
