peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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