Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
