I'm gonna have a badass scar
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
