omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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