Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
