i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
