mondays should just be called national damage control day
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
