I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
