We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
