How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
